Just my thoughts.......

I've decided that I wanted to add my thoughts to my blog. I love putting up pictures and updates about the kids, but I need to express feelings and thoughts once and a while. It does me good as I'm not good at writing in a journal.

As I've come across many people in the last 8 years I have been married I've come to realize something I didn't even know about before the thought of having kids came up.

Infertility............

I have seen so many women that desperately want a baby of their own try hard month after month just to be let down.I was so happy that I didn't have to go through that heart break,  and I got pregnant quickly. We happened to get pregnant about 2 months after we got married, and then lost it. So after another month I got pregnant with Lily. It was simple and many were trying with no luck. I didn't understand their pain and sadness. After Lily was about 10 months I wanted another one. So I got pregnant again 1st try. That one I lost again. So the next month I got pregnant with Emma. Simple again, and still friends and loved ones continued to try. Some were successful just to lose what they have dreamed of for so long. I cried for them, I prayed for them, and I researched to understand why. I saw their strength as they pushed forward. I admired that strength as I don't think I could have handled it. Us as women it should be easy, it should come to us freely, and it shouldn't be so hard. After all that is what we are designed for. But that isn't the case as so many battle with infertility. As my story goes on I had 2 more miscarriages before conceiving Peter. Those 4 losses were hard but I saw that so many were just wanting to see a positive pregnancy test. After I had Peter the shock of having 3 children really made me rethink having anymore, but I knew that we weren't done. I had the feeling to try again when Peter was close to 1 1/2 years old. We tried and just like before I got pregnant, and lost yet another one. I expected it to happen, and just thought this is the drill I guess. Somethings went weird after that, and I went to see the Dr. just to be care full. I had a HUGE shock. I had fertility issues, and I was floored. I shouldn't have had gotten pregnant so easily. People with my problem don't get pregnant without the help of fertility drugs or IVF. I couldn't believe it. I made me even more grateful for the children I had. My Dr. put me on a plan of fertility drugs and medication. I have a disease that makes it hard for me to ovulate, and sustain a pregnancy. I have a 64% chance of miscarriage so I need to take a certain medication in order to keep a pregnancy. So immediately I went on the fertility drug Clomid, and oh boy that was rough. I experienced mood swings, hot flashes, and worry. I had to go into the dr for ultrasounds and get stuck with needles. Something I didn't want to repeat. To my utter joy I conceived that cycle and had to be carefully watched the first part of my pregnancy. After Benjamin was born I resigned to the fact that maybe I shouldn't have anymore. I didn't want to have to try, and go through the disappointment I knew I would have to endure. I know some incredible women that have gone month after month of let downs and sadness just to buckle up and press forward. I know, I know I have 4 beautiful children, and why have more........ Because that is what the Lord wants, that's what Jonathan wants, and I do as well. I'm just scared to learn what those I have grown to admire has learned, Patience. Having another child is way off for us. We are far from ready, Benjamin is still a baby. But I know when the time comes I will have a trial to overcome. I just pray I will have the strength to buckle up and press forward.

Why you may ask that I'm writing such a personal post............ For one I have had this on my mind allot lately as I suspect that my PCOS (the disease I have) is worse. It has been getting worse with every child I do have. So with it getting worse it is a reality that I haven't had time or will to think about. Even though I have 4 children it is a hard reality to swallow. I don't like to think about anything negative. Also I guess I just want others to know that I know that the Lord loves all of us and watches out for us in different ways. So anyone who reads this, and is dealing with infertility.......... all is not lost........... I'm living proof of the loving mercies of the Lord.